White Lies
By Ed Hertfelder
Brought to you DixieDualSport
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It’s early Saturday, the bike is in the van with all your riding
gear, but you’ve assured your wife that you’d wallpaper the
kitchen. The phone rings while the two of you are having
breakfast; it’s Norman and he wants to go riding—right NOW.
Your chance of booking out, your only chance, depends entirely
on your first reaction to Norman’s request, which should vary
according to your occupation. Below is a list of my favorites
from A-L (I would have gone on to M-Z but I wanted to go
riding myself).
If you’re an AUTO MECHANIC, you say in a loud voice: “You
broke down where?!”
ACCOUNTANT: “You say the I.R.S. just walked in?!”
ADVERTISING AGENT: “Iacoca is flying in?!”
APARTMENT MANAGER: “Moving in now, two orangutans and
an alligator?!”
AUTO PARTS MAN: “A bus full of nuns, and they need a water
pump?!”
BAKER: “Danish Pastry for an AT&T stockholders meeting?!”
BEER DISTRIBUTOR: “A Teamsters convention?!”
BOOK DEALER: “Every school district in Alaska?!”
BRIDAL SHOP OWNER: “Twin sisters, the same day, 18
bridesmaids?!”
BUS DRIVER: “Forty three chiropractors to Atlantic City?!”
CABINET MAKER: “The entire Pentagon, and they want an
estimate?!”
CARPENTER: “A reproduction of Noah’s Ark?!”
CATERER: “The Republican National Convention?!”
CHIROPRACTOR: “The Raiders football team?!”
CLOCK REPAIRMAN: “Recalibrate every clock in the Marine
Corps?!”
COAL MINER: “Gold, in shaft 12?!”
COMPUTER PROGRAMMER: “You say Bill Gates just walked
in?!”
CONCRETE CONTRACTOR: “The bridge we poured last week
just collapsed?!”
ROOFER: “A new roof? On the Pentagon?!”
CRANE OPERATOR: “Sure we can lift it. Can you keep him
alive?!”
DATA PROCESSOR: “The I.R.S., and you want to destroy the
records?!”
DELICATESSEN OWNER: “Lunch for 13 drum and bugle
corps?!”
DENTIST: “For the President? Of course, I’ll be there right
away!”
DISHWASHER REPAIRMAN: “Put a tourniquet on the girl’s arm
and pull the plug out of the wall!”
ELECTRICIAN: “Whatever you do, don’t go near the Start
button!”
ENTERTAINER: “Opening act for Julio Iglesias? What time is
rehearsal?!”
EXTERMINATOR: “You say they’re crawling over the wall
already?!”
FENCE INSTALLER: “To keep out two orangutans and an
alligator?!”
FIREMAN: “Sure, I can drive the ladder truck!”
FLORIST: “Twin sisters with 18 bridesmaids?!”
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: “Just keep him cold ‘till I get there!”
FURNITURE SALESMAN: “Six dobermans...and they were
locked in for a week?!”
GARDENER: “A cement truck out of control? And a lawn
wedding Saturday?!”
GLASS INSTALLER: “A windshield? And you have to meet your
husband at the airport?!”
GOLF PRO: “Yes I told him to use a nine iron — and you say
she’s critical officer?!”
GROCER: “Enough to feed the entire Marine Corps?!”
HEATING CONTRACTOR: “Thirty thousand tropical fish?!”
HOBBY SHOP OWNER: “Four old Lionel trains? Sure, I’ll take
them off your hands.”
HOUSE CLEANER: “Six Dobermans? And the neighbors are
complaining?!”
ICE CREAM DISTRIBUTOR: “Three tons, just partially
melted?!”
INSURANCE AGENT: “Make sure the cement mixer stays; I’ll
be over to take pictures!”
INTERIOR DECORATOR: “For Doberman damage we usually
panel; I’ll be over for an estimate!”
JEWELER: “Wife’s birthday? Today? You better meet me at
the store!”
JUNK DEALER: “The price depends on how much cement is
inside the mixer!”
KARATE INSTRUCTOR: “Sure, I can teach defense against a
nine iron!”
KENNEL OWNER: “I suppose we can find room for six
Dobermans!”
LAWYER: “Take the keys out of the cement truck; I’ll be right
over!”
LOCKSMITH: “No orangutan has ever picked one of our locks!”
If any of these white lies helps you get out of the house, have a
safe ride and do yourself a favor: pick up a fresh bag of
wallpaper paste on the way home.
