Hertfelder: Quotes

I think the funniest quote that I've ever heard: and I've heard it
countless times and usually out on the trail far, far from any
paved road:

You'll meet a fellow sitting belt deep in wet mud with his helmet
off to one side upside down and filled with a great deal of tools
and parts from his partially dis-assembled motorcycle. These
fellows will ALWAYS say the same thing; a guaranteed favorite
quote. They say, "the worst part about this is that my wife
thinks I'm out here having FUN!"

That's the funniest - but the rest ain't bad.

"What this van needs is a new van" ....
"You NEVER see any state police on this road" ....
"I think we passed the turnoff" ....
"Well, that's where the event started LAST year"....
"You mean I didn't mail a check with my entry?" ....
"You can put my name on that trophy right now" ....
"Where is the gas truck?" ....
"They just reset the key time clock" ....
"The coffee is almost warm and the donuts have been fried in
thirty weight oil" ....
"You can't eat trophies" ....
"Then his wife filled his Husky with straight gas" ....
"The bars weren't too wide; the trees were too close together"
"Does ANYBODY know where the gas truck is?" ....
"He pushed the bike two miles backward on the trail and was
only a hundred yards from a checkpoint when he started" ....
"It won't start and all of a sudden it's real easy to kick over" ....
"He tried to let two pounds of air out of his tire and the valve
jammed open" ....
"Well it's not deep now but the early numbers went through at
high tide" ....
"I think he rides a new motorcycle every week" ....
"The only tool he carries is twelve feet of clothesline" ....
"Somebody put Gatorade in my Gatorade" ....
"And my wife thinks I'm out here having FUN" ....
"Just lay there and take it easy; I'll tell them at the next check"
"They re-routed so follow the arrows and not the tracks" ....
" I ain't seen him all day and he was running the same number"
"Go as fast as you can until you're an hour late" ....
"The deer walked away and I had a broken collar bone" ....
"He kicked that engine over until his tongue was down to his
waist" ....
"They say the second half is a lot easier" ....
"I put my leg down but it was six feet too short" ....
"It was so dusty I couldn't see my front fender" ....
"I'm not lost; I'm just slightly confused" ....
"He always throws up before he starts" ....
"It's got so much suspension you need a ladder to get on it" ....
"I hear they're checking for stop lights" ....
"Me and the motorcycle take turns breaking down" ....
"Did anybody turn in a fanny pack" ....
"I was laying there thinking I was having a heart attack and
some guy went through my pockets looking for a master link" .."
He finished in a pickup truck" ....
"You expect to get your gas can BACK?" ....
"Sure he rides good; he's been out of work for ten weeks" ....
"Gotta get in shape" ....
"You can have dependable or you can have fast, what do you
want?" ....
"An easy enduro is when YOU don't get stuck" ....
"That's what they SAY it weighs; then they put fifteen pounds of
air in each tire" ....
"I don't try to trophy; I just ride for the fresh air" ....
"God bless vice grips, duct tape and tie wraps" ....
"All I carry is a compass and a dime so I can find my way out
and phone for help" ....
"I was doing really good until I wrapped fifteen feet of barbed
wire on my countershaft sprocket" ....
"If I bore it out once more I'll have a stack of big washers" ....
"Let's find a McDonalds before I starve to death" ....
"The gas truck?, it just left" ....
"I only fall off on left turns, usually" ....
"Your van will fit in there, just gas it" ....
"Mike Lafferty was signed up but he didn't make it" ....
"Their route sheet corrections list is longer than their route
sheet" ....
"I don't drink this coffee, I'm holding it to try to warm my hands"
"He hasn't ridden in twenty years and he's still trying to shift
with the brake pedal" ....
"I know I said it before but this is DEFINITELY my last enduro"
"Then all I had left was six neutrals" ....
"He bitches when he gets a late number and he bitches when
he gets an early number; what he wants is the Taj Mahal on
ball bearings" (This is a famous quote credited to showman
Billy Rose when asked what his wife wanted in a divorce
settlement)
"Then he drove off with his helmet and boots on the roof of his
van" ....
"I don't know where he is but at midnight last night he had his
transmission spread all over his garage" ....
"He cut himself carving a side cover gasket out of a pizza box"
"He tore the right side shock off on a tree then said he always
wanted a Monoshock anyway" ....
"Well your cockamamie sound meter might be off a little" ....
"If HE can make it, I can make it" ....
"They ALWAYS say they're having a nude check" ....
"You can't borrow my Phillips because you ALREADY
borrowed it" ....
"Then he put his motorcycle under his arm and walked away
with it" ....
"Boy, he sure rides sideways a lot" ....
"Do they give a trophy for falling off?" ....
"Who wants to ride that second loop again?" ....
"Blew the fork seals and it felt like I was riding a pogo stick" ....
"You mean they left without me?" ....
"I don't care what the manual says, I've been adjusting valves
since you were in second grade" ....
"He keeps that up and he'll be riding a wheelchair next" ....
"Go to bed dear I'm just going to slide this cylinder on…